Stop Wating ~ Start Dating!

I would like to introduce you to a new Blog that I’ve read for a while now. I’ve read the post from this talented writer and watched her slowly turn the corner from bitter to hopeful.  This post is dedicated to the men and women who find themselves starting over at 40, single, and wondering if things will ever be okay again.

witnessing the shift

I am in a completely different place than I’ve ever been before:  I feel empowered, strong and clear in a way that I probably haven’t ever before in my life.

Let me explain…

I’ve been using creative visualization, conscious intent, meditation and gratitude to heal my heart, transform my energy and get my head on straight. And, despite my deep desire for partnership, I am finally un-stuck to the outcome. In other words, I’m detached. I’ve set my intent, asked the universe to deliver and let go of the need to control how things manifest.

As it relates to dating, here’s how this shift has affected my mindset:

  • I’ve started to enjoy dating. I go out to meet people and practice leaning back in to my feminine energy. I know that the universe has a spectacular sense of humor, so I just open myself to where the experience might go. I’m laughing about that guy I’ve seen twice who keeps finding ways to tell me that there’s no chance for romance between us…but then wants to see me again. Whatever!
  • I trust that I’ve attracted people into my life for a reason. I stay attuned to whatever that lesson or gift might be.
  • I may offer or suggest, but I won’t chase. I may lead or invite, but I don’t make the first move. I let him manage the accelerator; I’ll be ready to brake, if necessary.
  • I shrug off rejection. His loss. He’s doing me a favor by opting out early. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone I had to convince to like me. And I’ll take whatever gift or lesson I might have learned from the experience. As a good friend wisely said, “When a woman chases men, she always catches the weak ones first.”
  • I enter situations with no expectations. I’d rather enjoy the surprise. Besides, if a man thinks he has nothing to offer me…well, then, he clearly doesn’t.
  • I’m flirting with all kinds of men and women in all kinds of situations. I like to flirt; I feel good, and it makes others feel good. It keeps me in touch with my pleasure center.
  • I say “yes” more often. I ask for help and accept it. I’m open to support.
  • I’m saying “no” to distractions to what I want. As much as my 40-year-old libido would love some satisfaction, I’m just not interested without the rewards of emotional intimacy. I’m holding out for a loving relationship.
  • That said, I’m done looking for love. Instead, I’ve decided to BE love! That way, my equal can find me.
  • I know the right man for me will be strong, masculine and forgiving. And, most of all, he will demonstrate through action that he truly and deeply wants to make me happy.
  • I am deeply grateful for all the masculine attention I receive. It’s wonderful to notice others appreciating me!
In summary, my boundaries are healthier than ever, I have greater clarity and I’m genuinely happy in my life. I’m pleased with the choices I’m making and the direction I’m going. Even though I haven’t manifested that amazing life partner, I’m relaxed and peaceful about it. He’s coming to me — I can feel it!

about failedatforty

failedatforty is a divorced and dating homeowner, breadwinner and single mother in the midwest. She divorced, turned 40 and quit her corporate job all within a 10-month stretch. Her blog recounts a journey of healing, self-help and starting to date again with poignancy, introspection and wit. Follow her at www.failedatforty.com or on Twitter, @failedatforty.

This post was originally posted on failed at forty  Please drop by and cheer her on.

Thanks @failedatforty for sharing you trials and stories with us. I’m over here at DatingDivaSites.com cheering you on!

Liz Maness

I just read an article in the Herald Sun and it’s the second one i have read saying adults over 40 are more likely to have unprotected sex,especially WOMEN. What?!!! Are you kidding me? Adults contracting STDs is on the rise for those over 40 as well. Well Duh!!! I am shocked. During the 80’s that lovely thing called HIV reared its ugly head and scared most people into using condoms. People in their 40s were young adults then so I can’t believe they are over that fear.WOW! There are WAY worse things than getting pregnant associated with unprotected sex. Just because you aren’t able to become pregnant does not mean you can’t contract a dreadful disease. My advice is the same for you as for my children,” Wait til you have a ring. If you can’t wait then protect yourself from your partner and their past.” It is just that simple. If you aren’t going to be wise and wait then at least be smart people.

Are older women too shy to tell a man no, unless he has protection? Are they thinking that it will spoil the moment?  Too embarrassed? I bet it would be more humiliating getting treated for an STD, not to mention the damage could be permanent, even life threatening! Maybe it would spoil the moment? Not nearly as much as saying not tonight sweetie, I have a herpes flare up. Ouch!!! Or explaining to your partner that you have herpes and umm is he still interested in having a sexual relationship? I’m guessing they would pass. Those things would be way more of a mood killer and a turn off than saying ,”Do You have protection?” I’m so disappointed.

If you are going to date and be sexually active you have to be smart about it. UNPROTECTED sex with a stranger is dumb and dangerous. Yet those older and wiser adults are doing it at an alarming rate according to this study. The result of which is an epidemic of STD reports for the over 40 crowd with women being affected the most. Don’t forget that one of the causes of cervical cancer is now known to be caused  by a virus called HPV  which is sexually transmitted.

I’m climbing down from my soapbox but stories like these are troubling to me to say the least. I want to know why in the world this is taking place ladies and I want changes. Let’s get our act together and act like grown ups. Is 40 the new 20? Oh, a new article about that one will be coming soon.

 Anything worth having is worth the wait.

If you would like to read the article please go to the Herald Sun Older Women Shunning Safe Sex

Today is my birthday!!! I’m over 40 and getting better every day. since it’s my birthday I’m reposting my favorite post about women over 40. That’s right I’m posting it again because I love this story about this 66 year old that beat out all the other women in L.A. to be voted body of the year!!! Happy birthday to me and a toast to 40 plus women everywhere! It just keeps getting better!

Guest Post From Bridgette Raes

 

Every morning I do a quick scan of the news in fashion via Google. It’s often how I pick up a good story worth mentioning on this blog. I find this helpful if I’m either rushed for time or out of ideas of something to post. Today, I actually found two articles so diametrically opposed that I needed to mention both of them.

Helen Mirren voted ‘Body of the Year’

First, according to a poll by People Helen Mirren has been voted ‘Body of the Year’ beating out celebs like Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton. How freakin’ cool is that? I always say that when I am a lady of age and wisdom I want to be Helen Mirren.

I think this is also awesome because it shows that the public is looking at sexy and beautiful in different ways and that it exceeds it being solely about how slim, trim, toned and young you are. Being sexy or hot or attractive is the total package of inner and outer qualities and, I agree with the poll, Helen Mirren’s got it!

Now…on to other news.

After reading that article that gave me a feeling of promise and hope, that society is finally starting to look past youth, perfection and dewy skin as the standard of beauty, I also read a in the NYPost about Teen Queens and how more designers are using 13-year old stars for their ad campaigns. (Snore…again?)

Designers and labels like Marc Jacobs, Miu Miu are utilizing the youth and star power of actresses like Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit) along with sisters Dakota and Elle Fanning for their provocative and suggestive ads. I know, this is hardly a new approach (Hello Brooke Shields for Calvin Klein in the 80′s) but it always irks me and makes me uncomfortable all at the same time, but not for a reason you might think.

Dakota Fanning, 17, in Marc Jacobs’ perfume ad

This has undoubtedly caused a bit of a controversy and some are saying that the ads for fall look more like back-to-school catalogs regardless of the fact that there have been quite a few models who started their career at the same age.

Hailee Steinfeld, 14 in Miu Miu looks like she is wearing her mother’s clothing

While some have argued over the poor judgment in the use of young girls in these ads, I got a kick out of Hailee Steinfeld’s (currently the model for Miu Miu) comment in the article:

“The best part about [the Miu Miu] collection . . . is the fact that it’s so sophisticated — it’s timeless,” she said. “For younger girls like me, it works. It feels appropriate.”

Really Hailee? Timeless? What the heck do you know about timeless?

And, how many of you were shopping for Miu Miu, or Miu Miu level clothing, at 14 years old?

I didn’t think so.

In the NYPost article it, of course, elaborates on the sexualization of young girls and the fact that use of teenagers “hold up adolescent bodies as ideals of womanhood.” Both valid and important points, that we’ve heard oodles of time, but here is my gripe:

Most women really don’t come into their own until they hit their mid-thirties. Some of you younger readers may argue with me and I understand, I would have argued the same point when I was younger, but trust me (not to sound patronizing) one day you will get it. And, admittedly, one day, when I’m rounding the corner to my 50′s and beyond, after I develop even greater wisdom and comfort with myself, I will probably laugh at bit by how much I think I claim to know about myself at the age I am now. Bottom line, with age comes greater wisdom, greater comfort with ourselves and these ads using children are completely dismissive towards that fact. Who in their prime years yearn to be 13, 15 or 17 again? I sure don’t…not even if you handed me a suitcase of money as a trade. I wouldn’t trade a better bottom, perkier boobs or un-crinkled skin around my eyes for all the wisdom and comfort that the years since have offered me. Regardless of the fact that I’m not as comfortable in a bikini or a short skirt as I was at 17, I still feel a lot sexier and comfortable as a woman now than I did back back then. There is just something so sexy about a woman who is comfortable in her body and knows who she is. These juvenile ads miss that point and are missing out on the ability to capitalize on that. Imagine more advertisements celebrated the gorgeousness that comes with just coming into your own as a woman? God, they would be hot, inspirational and well as aspirational.

Yet, advertising dumbs it down and latches on to the most base form of sexuality, an ideal that older women, who are comfortable in their own bodies, care little about. However, these are the same women who are more likely to have the means to plunk down their money on the clothing they’re hawking. Which is why I find these ads so stupidly laughable. Don’t you think much of what makes Helen Mirren sexy (aside from how good she looks in a bikini) is the fact that she comfortably accepts herself and honors it? Do you really think she is pining to be 13 again?

So, while I am mildly sickened by the over sexualization of young girls in grown up advertisements, I’m too bored by the already for it to really register or to rustle my feathers. What I’m more bothered by are advertisers who actually believe that any woman with even a shred of aplomb actually feels at all desirous to be that young again.

Bridgette Raes is the president of Bridgette Raes Style Group, author of the book Style Rx: Dressing the Body You Have to Create the Body You Want and a sought-after spokesperson, style expert and writer for many media outlets including CNN, Good Morning America and Real Simple Magazine. She and her Style Consultants are available worldwide for consultation, in-person or virtually.

This post is a copy of her blog post http://blog.bridgetteraes.com/2011/08/02/helen-mirren-voted-body-of-the-year-meanwhile-designers-using-13-year-olds-in-ad-campaigns/

Relationships are complicated aren’t they? Romantic ones are most complex of all. Men and Women think and act so differently that often we fight and talk but never get to the bottom of the problem because we do not understand what we are even fighting about. Want some help? I met Barbara J. Peters through twitter and fell in love with her quotes. We began chatting and she asked me to read her book He Said,She Said, I Said. I was blown away by her insight into relationship and how similar our ideas about relationship and how to make them work were. No wonder I adored her tweets~ she was in my head!

You need to read this Book girls and boys whether you are in a relationship or single and looking. Barbara arms couples and individuals with the tools you need to have a successful relationship. Communication is key to being happy in any relationship. Without good communication a couple is doomed. I love the 7 keys to a successful relationship that Barbara includes in this book.

1 Communication

2 Trust

3 Forgiveness

4 Intimacy

5 Acceptance

6 Friendship

7 Love

This book is right on target teaching  how to work on a relationship to bring joy and love into your life through acceptance and forgiveness. Barbara has empowered her reads with this inspiring collection of he saids, she saids, and I saids.

And she leaves you with this thought……

Nothing worth anything ever comes easy”

A relationship that is worth having will take work but will be a blessing throughout your lifetime.

If you would like to purchase He said, She said, I said,

Author Barbara Peters Has a Bachelor Degree of Sociology, Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and a Masters of Science in Counseling, and her passion is working with couples .  She is also the Author of  The Gift Of A Lifetime, Building A Marriage That Lasts.

Sondra Wright is a speaker, author, certified behavior specialist and expert on women and aging. She and I met on twitter and I enjoy her tweets and love her blog. she specializes in helping women over 40 remove the obstacles to moving forward “fierce, focused and full of life! She asked me for some tips for people over 40 and dating and I sent her a few. She included them in the following article on her blog and I’m excited to share it with you.

Too Late To Find Your Soulmate: Will This Lie Ever Die?

Recently, I came across an article at Mail Online, a UK lifestyle site which features a section of women interest stories called “Femail.”  The story that caught my eye (and my breath) was called “The Plankton Generation – that’s women who are barely visible and at the bottom of the food chain for romance – just because they’re over 45.”  It was written by a woman, Winifred Robinson, who I would guess to be over 40, simply because she describes herself as “married and out of the dating game for nearly 20 years,” and had come across the blog of a mid 40’s single woman who refers to herself as – -wait for it – -“The Plankton.”

Plankton – any drifting organisms (animals, plants, archaea, or bacteria) that inhabit the pelagic zone of oceans, seas, or bodies of fresh water, and serve as food for fish and other larger organisms. ~ Wikipedia

The Plankton’s blog is one which is dedicated to the lamentations of over 40 women, looking for love. She expresses that, “like the plankton in the ocean, she is barely visible and ‘at the bottom of the food chain for love and relationships’.” Ms. Robinson sees this as a growing concern for many women over 40, and offers several possible reasons why; “middle-aged men are  looking for partners who are far younger than them,” “The opportunities to meet other single people tend to peter out as we move from youth to middle age,” “older women may be missing out on the chance of finding love because, bruised and rejected in earlier relationships, they lack the confidence and persistence to keep dating until they find  a match,” and“Older women may also be scuppering their chances by being too picky.”

For me, I detect a more subtle but primary reason that The Plankton is still single. One that has little to do with the fact that she’s 45 and everything to do with how she views herself at 45. In my opinion, any woman who refers to herself as Plankton and further solidifies her beliefs by dedicating a blog to it, has not only ruined her chances of finding a prince but she can kiss all the frogs good-bye as well. Her beliefs are affecting her actions and expectations and what she is getting in return is a direct result of that.

To be content on seeing oneself as small, weak and insignificant – is to dismiss the beauty and value you bring to the world. I did some digging and discovered that plankton are of extreme importance to our existence; playing a central role in our energy, carbon, and oxygen cycles in life. In fact, “Most of the oxygen we breathe is produced by photosynthetic plankton in our oceans.” ~New World Encyclopedia

At almost 48 years old I am very aware that as I move throughout the world, men notice me. They notice me because the thoughts I have about myself are revealed in the confidence my body language expresses. That’s what they see. And it’s not just me! I see it in 50 something’s, 60 something’s and yes, even 70 something’s, who feel good and practice feeling good about themselves. Those are the behaviors I model. Your outcomes start to change when your idea of yourself starts to change.

Women self sabotage and self destruct by buying into and perpetuating the stereotypical beliefs about women over 40 finding love and marriage. Just look at the way Ms. Robinson from Mail Online chose to end her piece, “So, no matter how much we might all wish it, when it comes to affairs of the heart, for the older single woman, there just isn’t a happy ending every time.” She bought it and now she’s selling it back to you. Otherwise, why would she suggest this is a problem for older women? Isn’t the real truth ladies, that when it comes to affairs of the heart, there’s no age group of woman for which there exists a happy ending every time?

Listen, marriage won’t solve your problems. If you’re not happy with yourself now, that won’t magically happen once you say “I do.” What you now have is a married unhappy you, who now risks poisoning someone else with your unhappiness. My advice: work on you! Work on you from the inside out so that when that lucky guy does come along – he won’t see Plankton when he looks at you. Instead, he’ll see you for the vibrant, confident, 40+ and Fabulous woman you are.

I checked in with my friend, Elizabeth Maness, founder of DatingDivaSites.com, and asked for a little dating insight for the over 40 crowd.  Here’s what Liz had to say…

You are never too old to fall in love

I have read the letters from men and women of many of which are over 40 and find love again. In fact 35 and over are my target market in my business because they are more serious about finding relationships than younger people. Men and women join about 50/50 and most are interested in a long term relationship.

You can become too bitter allow yourself to fall in love again

I also get letters from the broken and bitter, and attitude is everything. They don’t believe they can find love again and they will not. I can’t think of anything attractive about a bitter soul.  Can you? These are the clients that I refer to coaches. They have to heal before they can find a healthy relationship.

Self respect is an attractive feature

Love and respect yourself and you will attract the same from others. There is nothing sexier than a person who has self respect and it shows. People who respect themselves are very attractive and draw attention from people with the same qualities.

 

For more information on how to live “40+ and Fabulous,” visit http://40plusandfabulous.com

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